Simplicity Parenting: An Introduction

Simplicity Parenting

The book

Simplicity Parenting: Using the Extraordinary Power of Less to Raise Calmer, Happier, and More Secure Kids by Kim John Payne is my favorite parenting book of all time! Before the book was published, I had the privilege of hearing Kim speak at the school where I taught. I was entranced. He spoke about parenting and social relationships with warmth, humor, wisdom, and directness. I was very excited when I heard that he was publishing “Simplicity Parenting” and got a copy as soon as I could. I hadn’t been this excited about a book since Harry Potter.

 

My training as a Simplicity Parenting Parent Group Leader

That was in 2009. In 2010, I went to Seattle to take one of the first (but not the first) trainings for Simplicity Parenting Parent Group Leaders. Ever since then, I have worked with this book in workshops, parent-child classes, class meetings, and Waldorf teacher training classes.

 

 

So let me tell you why I think this book is so fabulous.

 

What is Simplicity Parenting?

Who is Kim John Payne?

Kim worked for 24 years as a family counselor and education consultant. He has written other books, including
The Soul of Discipline: The Simplicity Parenting Approach to Warm, Firm, and Calm Guidance- From Toddlers to Teens and
Games Children Play: How Games and Sport Help Children Develop

He has a great deal of experience working with children in many different settings. He also works with schools and other groups. He’s done a great deal of work on social inclusion–an approach he developed to deal with social difficulties and antisocial behavior at home and school. He does this work through the Center for Social Sustainability.  He consults in colleges, clinics, and schools, helping teachers and parents remove emotional and social obstacles from the paths of their children and helping adults to communicate better with each other.

And he wrote Simplicity Parenting, which I think is a real game changer. He took many of the ideas that we work with in Waldorf education and put them into a simple, digestible format in the book. He provided a structure to support parents in going through the simplifying process by developing parent workshops. Check out the Simplicity Parenting website for a lot more info.

Kim’s observations–children with PTSD and those without all show the same symptoms

Kim worked with children in refugee camps and with families devastated by AIDS. Of course, these children showed symptoms of post-traumatic stress syndrome. Later, he moved to London and began working with middle and upper-class children. Kim was surprised to find that they showed many of these same symptoms.

He says:

 

There is not a lot of difference between how kids over stressed are acting in parts of Asia and Africa. The children in the developing world often have had negative sensory overwhelm, and we give our children sensory overwhelm here – too many trinkets, too many choices, too much information – and this causes a cumulative stress issue in kids that leads to behavioral disorders.

Our children are living in the undeclared war on childhood.

What is the core issue that Simplicity Parenting addresses?

In a review of the book when it first came out, reporter Tom McMahon writes:

Psychologists claim that children have lost more than 12 hours of free time a week in the past two decades. Where did those lost hours go? Probably to find more stuff, sign up for new activities and, of course, stay on the go, even though they already are overwhelmed by what they have. It seems to be a challenge to find the rest and rejuvenation our children need.

This book addresses the four pillars of “too much”–too much stuff, too many choices, too much information and too fast. Kim helps us understand how to support our children. He offers examples, stories, and suggestions for how to deal with various challenges. But his real goal is not to tell the reader what to do (even though some of us would like that, at least sometimes!). Rather he supports us in clarifying and remembering our values, in examining our lives, and in creating small, doable changes that work in our family.

He says that when choosing between what’s important and what’s doable, to choose what is doable–that will eventually lead to what is important.

Too much stuff–an example of how it works

Most children (and most adults) have too much stuff. Especially for the young child, too much stuff can be overwhelming. As you get rid of the excess, your child will be able to play more deeply and with better focus. Children get stressed when they are overwhelmed, and too much stuff can definitely be overwhelming. With less stuff, there is less stress, children will sleep better and just feel better in general.

 

This book does not suggest a minimalist lifestyle. Kim offers various categories of toys that will support a child’s healthy play. While simplifying stuff probably means getting rid of stuff, you may also want to add some things to create a well-rounded play experience.

Asking the magic question

Have any of you read Marie Kondō’s book, The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up: The Japanese Art of Decluttering and Organizing

In her book, you take each thing in your hand and ask yourself, “Does it spark joy?” Kim Payne asks, “Is this a toy my child can pour their imagination into, or is it too ‘fixed’?” Is it too detailed or finished? Can it only do one thing or does it do too much all by itself? Does it only require the child to, for example, push buttons?

But even in the toys in categories that are “keepers,” such as art and music supplies, there can still be too much. The basic idea, to me, is to give the child an abundance of time and space so they can move and explore freely and develop their imagination.

Golden Moments

One of the exercises that we do in the Simplicity Parenting Parent workshop is called the “Golden Moment” activity. In this activity, parents are invited to close their eyes or lower their gaze and think back to their own childhood.

What is a golden moment from your own childhood that stands out in your memory? 

(Go ahead and try it if you want–I’ll wait)

Then whoever wants to share their golden moment does. Generally, these memories have certain themes–being in nature; connecting with family or friends; a sense of timelessness–or at least not a time of rushing; something that occurred regularly/rhythmically. And they generally don’t involve things like money or busyness.

TMS (Too Much Stuff)

Here is one of my favorite parts of Simplicity Parenting. (Although if you talk to anyone who has done this work with me, they might tell it that every part is my favorite part!)

Kim talks about how all children are quirky–and I think all of this applies to us adults, as well. It is our quirks that make us special, make us uniquely ourselves. Our quirks are also our gifts. But “cumulative stresses slide those quirks along the behavior spectrum into disorders- the dreaded “D’s.” Simplifying will go a long way towards sliding those quirks back into the lovable and gift side of the spectrum.

Conclusion

I am working on creating an online Simplicity Parenting parent workshop on Teachable.com. I’ll let you know when it’s ready–and I’ll be looking for some beta testers when it is.

With or without a workshop, I think this book offers wisdom and encouragement for all parents. I’ve read it many times and used it to support my children and myself. I’ve seen many families benefit from working with this book. They make small, doable changes that add up to a happier, calmer life. I highly recommend it to all parents.

(all book links are affiliate links to Amazon. If you buy a book through the link, I get a little $ and it doesn’t cost you anything–how sweet is that!)

Thanks for stopping by!

xoxo